THE FABULOUS RUTLAND WEEKEND TELEVISION EPISODE GUIDE
VERSION 1.69
By Garrett Gilchrist [AmbushBug4@aol.com]
With contributions from Bonnie Rose, Laurie Stevens, Greg Duffell, and Yoichi Yamazaki
Special thanks to Tom Strickland, Robert Ross, Alley Ernst, Barb Shapiro, rutlemania.org, Kim "Howard" Johnson, Dave Haber and all the rest, and to Eric, Neil and all the RWT cast (for making our weekends just that much more special)
Despite Idle's smash-hit success with Monty Python and Innes' cult status with the Bonzo Dog (Doo-Dah) Band, and despite the quality of the low-budget show, it got very little notice and after two seasons in Britain, a soundtrack album and a tie-in book (neither of which sold well), RWT disappeared into obscurity, to appear only as a footnote in books about Monty Python.
The Rutles were a hit, and much has been said and written about them. But this Rutlemania did not help Rutland Weekend Television, and in this age of endless reruns of Monty Python's Flying Circus, Fawlty Towers -- even Michael Palin and Terry Jones' "Ripping Yarns" -- Eric's most memorable solo flight has crashed and been forgotten.
RWT's plot is hard to pin down but such as it is it's about a very small television station. Rutland, at least as of this writing, is a real place, the smallest county in England. Inspired by "London Weekend Television" Idle set his show, which was to have a disgustingly small budget (his backer was used to backing cheapo interview programs), there. (Rutland was -- is -- so small in fact that a while back it was absorbed completely by an adjoining county, and after residents protested it was eventually upgraded to independent. Rutland is a very proud place, and there is a nice town in Vermont named after it -- if you're ever there do stop by the Rutland Ponderosa.) The show has a real problem with its hosts, or "emcees" as I'll call them to lessen confusion, and seems to get a new one every episode. The station shows a baffling array of documentaries, interview programs, songs, sketches, and other nonsense, 
all in an endearingly daffy comedic style. The first series opening titles are animated and feature fancy title graphics which crack and turn into a field, which an cartoon farmer plows before stumbling and flying off. The theme music, since you asked, combines parodies of Also Spake Zarathrusta (aka the theme from "2001"), the London Weekend Television theme (sorta), and, mostly now, a bouncy little fake-french tune by Neil Innes. It is called "L'amour Perdu (Lost Love)" and the lyrics, sung by Neil at the end of show 6, go as follows:
Opening titles. As you can imagine, Eric Idle plays the emcee on his own first episode. After all, as you can imagine, he's earned the right. And his aged, confused, chuckling, champagne-seeking emcee gets things off to a creepy, nonsensical start, as you can imagine. But then there's "Gibberish," which is as meaningless as it is entertaining. Idle and the disgusting but loveable Henry Woolf feature. The emcee's champagne reappears and overflows all over him. We hear Neil Innes, though we don't hear him yet, singing "He's the Star of the Sexy Movies," about an unassuming-looking Rutlander with an apparently very interesting night life. The host cleans off his wet sleeve, and as we've been hearing a party behind him in the background this whole time he tries to take us to it, but the film has caught fire. He quietly panics, then takes us to a funny bit where a condemned man [Idle] plays a last game of chess with two unhelpful jail wardens [Woolf and David Battley]. He escapes underneath a priest, and the wardens give chase -- Warden Peel [Battley] misses his luncheon appointment. Following is a lecture [from Idle, who does most of the narrator bits] about others who've dared to explore the catacombs of clergymen, and about Raymond Diet [Idle], an odd little man first seen rescuing Neil [minus his usual hairpieces] from underneath a Prevendary. He then tries to save fish from drowning, 
forms various silly societies, and introduces a Neil Innes song. "Stoop Solo" [Innes], a potbellied, repulsive Gary Glitter lookalike with the body of an aging gorilla, sings his song to no one in particular. We return to the emcee, and the lights go out. The partgoers boo. Following is a documentary on Bert Figgis [Innes], who is still fighting World War II. Others of his admittedly rather stupid regiment are discussed, a policeman [Idle] discusses carpets, and we learn how Figgis' regiment mostly gave up and surrendered to whoever was around, including five to Bob Dylan. A young soldier in Germany [Battley] tries to explain to an old one that the war is over, unsuccessfully, and the old, dumb as a post soldier is used as a minesweeper. (Four explosions there, not bad for RWT.) 
Previews roll for the 80th anniversary of the birth of Winston Churchill's cat, along with other Churchill-related material, including a little Churchill who dances to a short bit of Neil's tune "Frontloader." The host laughs like an idiot, and the roof caves in. End credits. A voiceover closes down RWT.
some sort of princess. (Note: In this episode whenever the emcee announces a program an entirely different program plays. It's comedy, deal with it.) Eric delivers rambling, silly commentary on the unseen dancers, including the lovely, nude Maureen. A fake Groucho Marx [Innes], in a very fake painted jungle, sings "Say Sorry Again," accompanied by Chico [Innes] on the piano and Harpo [Innes again!] on the unicycle. The emcee returns, and seems to be mutating. "Philosophy Corner," hosted by Idle, discusses Kung-Fucius, the aggressive philosopher, and Ray Laycock [David Battley], expounds on the philosophy of the rich. Along with Eric he attempts to sell a poor man [Innes] some very expensive philosophy (some of this seems to be adapted from material cut from Monty Python's Flying Circus series 2, show 11, "How Not to Be Seen"), but are foiled as he has already sold his body to a department store. Medical professionals get angry. I won't discuss it but it's in nicely bad taste until a cop [Battley] pushes Idle off his set, saying "You can't act here! This is a fire lane!" He goes to another set and helps a moron [Battley] upgrade his status to cretin, until he's stopped by another fire-safe policeman [Woolf]. Back to the emcee, who has developed breasts and now sports a pink blouse and earrings. "Talk About, with Russell Dean" [Idle] 
features Keith Trapp [Innes], an apparently exceedingly witty man who can't come up with anything to say, and leaves to use the restroom. Sally [Gwen Taylor] demonstrates origami by folding a Japanese person. Rex [Woolf] impersonates an encephalograph. Then it's "Cookery Time," with your host, Lenin [Battley]. Karl Marx [Woolf] makes pudding. Josef Stalin [Idle] prepares a dozen eggs, then shoots them, along with most of the kitchen, and they all sing about "Communist Cooking." The emcee puts his feet up, to introduce the art of aggressive eating, "Kung Suey," and when that's done he's wearing a dress, and introduces a musical, "The Kung and I," and when that's done his shaved legs are showing, as are his underwhatevers. A documentary follows the sad case of Arthur Jones - er, Sutcliffe [Battley] - born to be normal. The newsman [Innes] can't blame his looney parents [Idle and Woolf] so he blames a little liquor-shop owner [Woolf] 
instead. The little man from the off-license is put on trial for all the crimes of humanity and is promptly hanged, for a happy ending. A very bad mimer [Innes] sings the lovely, pessimistic "Lie Down and Be Counted," though with a set change his miming abilities vastly improve. Back to dancing -- "Kung Dancing" -- and more Maureen, until the policeman [Battley] kicks them all out -- it's a fire lane! Once everyone's safely off the set, he begins to juggle. Roll end credits. The emcee, now a full female with hair, closes down RWT.
offensive material before it airs. This includes bad language, sex, violence, religion, violent religion, nudity, football, nude football -- it goes on like this. You think this summary job is easy?? Then "Schizophrenia," with your hosts [Idle and Idle]. They attempt to talk to a paranoid [Battley], but he storms off the set, and then their next guest, a man who is habitually late, fails to show up. They try to pass the time with a bit of film shot in Bognor, but that is unsuccessful - the film is rather short - and it's a very awkward moment. Out of nowhere, Ron Lennon [Innes] appears, and sings a song beginning with the words "See how the good times roll ... away." (Later expanded as a Rutles track.) That's rather short too. Lennon fades away, and the hosts grab his piano, which was apparently very tiny (?!), and toss it on the table. A documentary rolls [hosted by Idle] about Cramp Bottom, the unpleasant home of poet Mungo Wright,
who never actually wrote a poem but was considering it for a while. The "Schizophrenia" hosts sign off, the opening titles roll again briefly, and we're warned of "Football," a song [with Idle, Innes, Battley, and Woolf]. A warning of religion -- Corporal Collier [Battley] has tried out various religions to little success and sets out to worship his commanding officer [Idle]. Other popular gods in the army and elsewhere are discussed, as is Yvonne Mitchell. The emcee introduces "Thrust," hosted by Splig Utherism [Woolf], who in a hardhitting, sexy style describes bathtub theatre, and the entire cast has a wet time of it. The bidet version of "Camelot" comes particularly to mind. Neil's pink Batman is Safe Viewing, but his song is "Boring." Less safe is a bit in which the boss [Idle] takes a liking to his employee[Battley]'s family, and attempts to buy them. Back to "Schizophrenia" - the hosts try to stall by reciting a poem, then run off the set, very fast. The emcee, before closing down RWT, turns to Eric, who explains in weather terms the forecast for tomorrow's television -- looks like more sex, violence and football. Roll end credits. Tony Bilbow has the final word after the show, and you think the show's over, that this is serious, until you see he's in a bath, interviewing the same nameless old lady from the beginning ...
Opening titles roll, but are quickly interrupted by titles for "The Old Gay Whistle Test" (Bob Harris' late-60s-early-70s rock-music review program).A cockeyed Bob Harris is played here by Eric Idle, who speaks in a perpetually-stoned gee-whizper. Wow. He previews the trands and introduces the studio group, "Toad the Wet Sprocket." (Back then Eric wrote that name to be so ridiculous no band would use it! Ha!) They resemble Fleetwood Mac and don't move a lot. Eventually they stop, and Bob turns to Mantra Robinson [Battley], a rocker whose chief interests include lengthy album titles and the destruction of private and public property. He's dropped his bass violinist down a lift-shaft, and while only five people came to his last tour the band manages to do over seven million dollars worth of damage -- not a bad gig. Also aboard is his guru, Siggy [Woolf], who isn't Indian but works in an Indian restaurant, and gets deep spiritual insights from his landlady, 
Mrs. Fletcher, then sells them. An awkward silence takes us to the Gerard's Cross Pop Festival, with Splint, on the Abbatoir label, and their song "Bandwagon." (You might be distracted by the comedically creepy fashions but dig the lyrics - they're a clever music-biz parody. The entire song can be heard on Neil's album "Re-Cycled Vinyl Blues.") Then Stan Fitch, the first all-dead singer, performs a smashing number from his album "Even Further Beyond the Grave." He doesn't really sing or strum the guitar or move or anything, but there are groovy video effects. Bob digs it. A bit more of the opening titles roll -- it's back to RWT, yay! (or bleah - that Whistle Test bit was really very funny, sad to see it go) Our latest emcee [Bridget Armstrong] is on the standard set, with the standard complement of flowers. The rest of the titles finally roll, the emcee returns, and the small flowerbasket is now a large one. "Rutland Weekend Theatre" features a couple [Battley, Armstrong] who are madly in love, but who have forgotten their own names. Their son [Woolf], Virginia's lover 
[Idle], and Henry's friend [Innes] aren't much help either. Eric introduces "Amnesia," but keeps forgetting what he's supposed to be talking about. The end credits make it clear that it's spreading, and the emcee forgets too as sits among even more flowers. A documentary rolls - Farmer Ron Granger [Idle] grows, trains, and fattens prize beauty queens, feeding them hay and old copies of "Vogue," until they're taken off to be judged, slaughtered, and eaten. A nasty old beauty show host [Idle] asks a cow if she thinks she's being exploited, with various rude remarks, and other show-biz people [including Neil] are killed and shipped off to the butchers. (Geez, could you get ANY more distasteful, Eric? Lol.) The emcee, with flowers, introduces "A Penny for Your Warts," a medical quiz show. There are only two onscreen casualties, so by this episode's standards it's a mild one. The emcee, now completely surrounded by flowers, introduces the Fabulous Bingo Brothers [Zoot Money and John Halsey], 
a pair of low-key, black-and-white raincoated mongoloids in a lavatory who mumble out a song about a donkey. Then -- this is the odd part -- Bob Harris, the REAL Bob Harris shows up, and introduces as a closer Neil, in cap and shades and singing his old staple, the Protest Song (parental control lyrics version). He gives a peace sign and exits awkwardly. The emcee, with (goddamn it!) even MORE flowers, closes down RWT. Roll end credits.
Harry Rirkin [Idle] announces the pairings, but the committee keeps starting the swap early. Frank comes on with a weather flash - It is raining in Hendon. Wanda compliments him on his reading. "Rutland Weekend Documentary" looks at the harsh world out there for politicians wanting a job in television. Agent Bo Robinson [Henry Woolf] watches a desperate John [Battley] beg drunkenly, and turns him down anyway. Watkins [Idle] fares little better, until he mentions he can juggle. Jeff [Battley] has to say "Good evening," but waffles on the issue. He then convinces the director [Idle] to waffle on the issue of how bad his reading was, though it does him little good. The next applicant [Innes] is dead, 
but the director likes him anyway. No further news on the rain in Hendon. The Prime Minister [Idle] is accused [by Battley] of being too Americanized; he doesn't understand a word of it and thinks he's being asked about a dead Jewish American ventriloquist named Nosher Ono. Following is "A Party Political Broadcast on Behalf of the Conservative Party," in which Neil, dressed in a top hat and a suit with tails, sings "I'm the Urban Spaceman" loudly and off-key as he bangs cymbals on his feet and fiddles with a hand-keyboard which makes accordion noises. Bit of a non-sequitur, really. In the background, a very awkward-looking girl in a red pixie dress tapdances, never sure when the song is actually supposed to end. It is still raining in Hendon. Opening titles roll again, briefly. "Your Questions Answered" comes to us from Cornwall and features an impressive panel with absolutely nothing to say, 
despite much prodding. Frank gives another report on the rain in Hendon, and Wanda, curled up by his feet, introduces "Holiday '75." Eric reports that the state of the economy is so bad that many people have decided to take their vacations directly inside the Holiday '75 studio, which is then toured at length. It is still raining in Hendon, but inside the studio the weather is fine. The vacationers, now running the studio, switch to "Top of the Pops," and a music video, "Frontloader," in which a very cool fellow [Innes] confesses his love for a washing machine. In Solihull, the wife-swapping is still going on. A serious anchorman [Woolf] reports on the rain in Hendon and political reaction to same, along with a static-y report by Christopher Serpent, in Washington. Opening titles roll yet again, again briefly. Eric goes into the electrical shop for a quick purchase, but can't help noticing that the store clerk [Battley] looks quite a lot like the devil. He tries to sell the clerk his soul in exchange for 24 years of power and debauchery, but the clerk isn't interested, so he offers his car, house, and life insurance, 
plus his wife's body (in advance), and the rain in Hendon stops. The next morning at breakfast, his wife is all smiles after a night with Satan. However, something seems awry, and he begins to suspect he sold his soul to Ron Badger from the electrical shop. The rain in Hendon starts again, and 'Satan' takes his customer on a dubious holdiday, complete with canned fish and Helen of Troy. A now-nude Frank stands up to take us live to the rain in Hendon, Wanda pulls him down again, and all goes down the drain as the credits roll. The happy couple, in voiceover, closes down RWT.
The emcee [Innes] introduces the show but can't help complaining about the lack of money. RWT is closing down tonight. "Religion Today" with Paul Yes [Battley] asks "Are people difficult bastards?" until a Really Difficult Bastard [Idle] and the Bishop of Somerset [Woolf] hijack the show. They've kidnapped tv personality Michael Aspel and want a thousand pounds, but the bishop keeps asking for more. The emcee complains about security and loses his flowers. Neil, against a backdrop of stars, sings "Singing a Song is Easy." The emcee loses his jacket, endtable and lamp. The bishop and bastard ask for more. Security sleeps. "Incident at Bromsgrove" features a long and heated discussion between a soldier [Battley] and a carrot [Idle]. In a flashback they become Admiral Nelson and Hardy. The bishop and bastard ask for more, Hardy gets lost, and Nelson asks for a kiss (he is wearing pink lacey undergarments and becomes a casualty in voiceover). "The Execution of Charles I" [Terence Bayler] begins.
The Michael Aspel fan club tries to answer the still-growing list of demands, and Charles I has severe acting problems. An impressive montage of people from this and previous shows giving the "cue" sign follows -- Eric, at a urinal, is the last -- and a small parlor band [including Woolf and Battley] plays "L'Amour Perdu," as the end credits roll. Neil, in bizarre drag, sings "L'Amour Perdu," to recieve good marks from a panel of judges. The bishop and bastard worry about where they're going to put it all, and the RWT sign is taken away from the emcee. "Man Alive" looks at suburban prisons -- many are nice places, but Mrs. Harris has brought back hanging. At Mrs. Fletcher's, they have Johnny Cash [Innes] come and sing. Eric, in the studio, has a cast of thousands (six are seen -- hey, it's RWT!) watching the last sketch with him, but there's no time to talk to any of them. The emcee, dumped in the supply room, has lost his shirt, and quits. The bishop and bastard take it all back, then take back the taking-back, until Paul Yes wakes up just in time to close down "Religion Today." The final shot is perhaps the most enigmatic in all of RWT -- having lost everything, Eric and Neil, covered-up with borrowed towels, 
sit on a bench in the supply toom and deadpan a song about the final state of their budget. The lights are shut off, and there are three minutes of dead air ...
then: The opening animation is new - I suppose a farmer wouldn't do at Christmas. This one features a couple of silly snowmen on ice skates. One sticks his tongue out as us, and another little one opens up an umbrella, which begins to spew rain, and he sinks into the ice. At this point two chorus girls rip through the paper logo and dance as they warble, very much off-key, a few bars of "Christmas Time is Here Today." Eric is heard congratulating them. In the other clip, Eric, in a moustache, gold jacket and curly blonde wig, looking the very epitome of parodic showbiz evil (as in several Python bits), introduces the moment we've all been waiting for -- Mr. George Harrison Sings! The former Beatle, the genuine article, walks out and begins to play. There is a very long intro, 
and the suspense builds. Then he begins to sing: "Ohhh I'd like to be a pirate! A pirate's life for me! All my friends are pirates, they sail on the BBSea ... I've got a jolly roger, it's a-black and white and vast, so! Get out-a-ya skull and crossbones, I'll run it up your mast ..." And so on. Despite some effort to stop him (he has a crazed look in his eyes throughout) eventually all is ok, and everyone joins in, and the credits roll.
If my information on the second series thus seems a bit lacking, I can probably be forgiven. Judging from what I've seen, then: The second series had a few problems in that Idle, still the writer of pretty much everything but the songs, didn't have much more to prove. He'd done the first series because he was still interested in that Python tradition and had leftover material bubbling in his brain. This time it took a running start. But the money was there - that old interview-show money, just barely enough to keep Idle jokingly complaining for 7 episodes. For the second series Neil's music was finally given second billing behind Idle's writing, instead of being put behind the list of actors. This had begun in the Christmas special. Also the old animated titles (with the farmer) were tossed away in favor of a rotating space cow. Yes, a space cow, with a globe on its sides, spinning about in a neat mirror-ball effect which perfectly parodies the BBC spinning-globe logo (seen often in Python). Indeed, RWT was a station to be reckoned with. As the cow spins, the RWT "chimes" play briefly and the words "RWT -- Rutland Weekend Television" draw themselves in. And then our show begins ...
a Scotsman [Eric] does even worse. Then Neil, then someone's Swedish girlfriend ... the directing team, John and Betty [David Battley and Gwen Taylor] are not amused. Then a scary, nonverbal fellow [Terence Bayler], and they're at their Rutland witend, so to speak. John asks Betty to be the emcee ... she's worried that she's too plain, and she's right, but she goes on anyway and introduces tonight's drama. Eric is a lawyer/burglar who's just lost his case defending a client/burglar/friend/likeable dope/Scotsman/fall guy [Battley]. He's lost on purpose, and is keeping the money. But Bats finally catches on, and justice is done, which is all part of life's rich pattern, something the next emcee [Bayler again!] can't seem to say. Betty has to fill in again.
A documentary follows on a hospital which sees love as an illness and tries to cure it, with the help of Eric, Gwen, and Staff Nurse Sutton. That singing sensation, the Rutles, Dirk [Eric], Nasty [Neil], Stig [John Halsey -- yes I know he's supposed to be Barry], and Barry [Battley], sing "I Must Be in Love." Eric attempts a documentary on the group, but the camera runs away -- it is seen driving to the seaside. "The Entire History of the World: Volume 3" honors the "backroom boys" behind the creation of everything. Angels Robinson [Bunny], Nobby [Neil], Eric and Bats concern themselves with fixing antlered wasps with wheels, smelly fish with legs and pink zebras. Gabriel, the supervisor [Bayler], keeps them at a 6-day deadline as they're expecting another order, and Bats explains woman to an interested Eric. Robinson makes a snake, thus dooming makind and introducing evil into the world. 
SuperNeil flies in, discussing in semi-musical form the "Age of Desperation," and the camera is in bed with with Staff Nurse Sutton. RWT's "Classic Season" previews an disturbingly low-budget production of "War and Peace," and the studio camera runs away. Eric and Bats discuss the ravages of inflation over lunch, and flash back to 1747, which is just as bad. A further flashback shows Eric and a Queen smoking something groovy, and Gwen scolds the camera. Then "That's My Mum," and a voiceover [by Eric] closes down RWT. Credits roll over the standard theme song and rotating cow.
The Rutles bit here is "A Hard Day's Rut, directed by Dick Leicester which is very near Rutland." Dick Lester, of course, directed "A Hard Day's Night," among others (including, oddly, the second and best of the Superman series). Besides that quip the entire monologue was pretty much reprised in the tv movie "The Rutles: All You Need is Cash," financed by Lorne Michaels after positive viewer response to that and another Rutles-on-SNL experiment (Nasty came on and sang "Cheese and Onions"). In the movie Idle is able to catch up to that naughty camera and tell us about the entire legend of the Rutles, who have their own following and thus I shouldn't need to discuss them at length here. I will say that Eric gets the names of Stig and Barry switched here, and in the Rutland Dirty Weekend Book the drummer's name is given as "Kevin!" Besides that things survived pretty much intact into the film, where Rikki Fataar played Stig and Ollie Halsall played the heretofore-unknown fifth Rutle, Leppo.
The Rutles movie is available on Rhino video. There is also the Rutles CD, with music from the film plus two bonus tracks, "Blue Suede Schubert" and "Baby Let Me Be." Dirk and Stig recorded a single, and in 1996 Ron Nasty, Stig O'Hara and Barry Wom reunited to record a new album, the "Rutles Archaeology." The Japanese version had bonus tracks. (So did the Japanese CD version of the Rutland Weekend Songbook, come to think of it -- more on this later.) Bunny May appears in this episode - an oddly-named, odd-looking, likeable kind of fellow. He appears briefly in the Rutles movie, sniffling over "those little girls, one of 'em screamed in me ear ..." "Age of Desperation" is on Neil's "Re-cycled Vinyl Blues."
(the name a triple play on cartoon characters Mutt n' Jeff, TV detectives Starsky and Hutch, and stereotype Russians). Mutt [Eric] is giving a suspect [Bunny May] the "treatment" - a head treatment - when Jeff [Bats] breaks in. They act tough and take lots of commercial breaks. A sketch artist [Neil] identifies Gwen's lost pearls. There are puns about the Who and the Hope/Crosby "Road" movies, and everyone winds up in wheelchairs following a particularly violent commercial break. A Durante-ish judge [Bunny again] presides, Mutt cross-examines, Gwen confesses, Jeff confesses, and a voiceover details Mutt's plans to confess as the credits roll. This sketch contains some clever funny business but is ruined by hopelessly confusing plotting and edits. The fake credits says it's "Creatively Directed by Monty Baz-Baz," and it rather seems to show it. The songs we don't have but "Godfrey Daniel" was done in the Innes Book of Records episode "Now She's Left You," and "Shoeshine Boy" might be "Topless a-Go-Go," a Neilsong we have heard about a shoeshine boy.
We had guessed it might be a fan effort, but the editing is a little too good, and a fan wouldn't reuse the Christmas opening animation. Our best guess is that even though the last episode, 207, aired on Christmas eve 1976, the BBC wanted a day-after-Christmas show as before. So this thing was cobbled together, maybe in one night, by some BBC2 editor. If you're wondering, it's not that great. They could have picked better clips, especially songwise. But this show becomes important because our only information on some episodes comes from this special. This is discussed elsewhere at length. Here is the list of clips, and the episode they came from: