12:50PM...Kramer is a crazy guy; I met him at a party...he has all this...like ENERGY! He runs a record company or somethin'...SHIMMY-DISC he calls it. Anyway, he's put together this tribute album to the Rutles and he wants ME to get Ron Nasty's reactions!...
12:55PM....Five minutes to go...I'm nervous...I re-read the bio-notes Kramer gave me...I wonder what the "great man" will think of Rutles Highway Revisited. Surely the musical genius and lyrical force that masterminded such songs as "Doubleback Alley," "Nevertheless" and "Cheese And Onions" would understand that imitation was the sincerest form of flattery?...
1:35PM...Ron is late, I order an english muffin and check my cassette recorder and portable CD. I make a mental note to tidy my bag. My apartment keys are always getting tangled with my speculum...which can be embarrassing...some guys don't know what it is and ask dumb questions like "what is THAT?!."..
2:05PM...Still no sign of Ron...I wonder what I should do? Kramer said I had "brains" and there was more to life than being a cheerleader for the Chicago Bears...he reckoned if I put all my thoughts down on paper, they would make a book...so, here I am, out of a job and into literature...you know, books and stuff...so O.K., right now it's just Rock Journalism, but it's a start.
2:35PM...The Algonquin Hotel is famous...they say the Vicious Circle used to hang out there. Maybe I'll check out their albums and do a piece on them one day...Where the hell is Ron?
I telephoned his room...he "cannot be disturbed."
3:10PM... I bribe the Bell Captain to deliver a photograph of me on vacation in Florida.
3:14PM...Ron calls the desk. He will see me straight away. I grab my stuff...this is it!
RON: Don't be stupid! You can't turn your back on the world...turning your back is what happens when you're busy looking the other way...
DEBBIE: What exactly does that mean?
RON: I dunno. It's all history. Anyway, I'm still bigger than Rod.
DEBBIE: What do you think of "tribute albums?"
RON: Not a lot...they're just sequels, like Rocky 6, Airport '77, or Police Academy 2001!. .They're all crap!
DEBBIE: A lot of talented and well-respected underground musicians have contributed to...
RON: Talented and well respected underground musicians? That's a contradiction in terms, isn't it?
DEBBIE: I don't know...I have the CD with me...Do you wanna hear it?
RON: No.
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(At this point I turned off the cassette recorder. The interview had started to go horribly wrong. I knew Ron had an attitude problem, after all, here was the man who'd said that Western Civilisation was merely an effective sewage system and had demonstrated this to the world by sitting fully clothed under a shower. I had to think of something fast. I suggested we go sit in the shower.)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
DEBBIE: Do you feel better now?
RON: Yeah, let's get it over with.
DEBBIE: O.K., here's the first track. It's by GALAXIE 500.
RON: Another bloody sequel! Which one have they done?
DEBBIE: "Cheese & Onions."
RON: I like the start, I think this lot have got something, probably constipation, they're obviously high on laxatives...yep, they're speeding up...heading for the lavatory...aaaahh...nope! Ah well, back to the laxatives.
DEBBIE: See what you think of the PUSSYWILLOWS and their treatment of "Hold My Hand"...
RON: Hullo? What's this? Who is she singing to? A man or a woman? This is not yer ordinary All-American sticky palms and doorstep stuff. Never mind holdin' hands, this'll have the Moral Majority up in arms! Whatever next?
DEBBIE: BONGOS, BASS & BOB... "Number One."
RON: Who's that screeching? It's not Bruce "I'm-really-going-to-hurt-my-throat-this-time" Springsteen, is it? No, can't be...he's not raucous enough. Maybe Bob's stood his bass cabinet on the bongo player's foot, yeah, that must be it. The rest of the band's havin' a good laugh...insensitive bastards!
DEBBIE: See if you can guess this one.
RON: Oh yeah... "Good Times Roll." Who's doin' it?
DEBBIE: LIDA HUSIK.
RON: What's she doing on this album? She's got a pleasant voice and she can handle a lyric, shame it has to be this one. Did I really write that crap? It must have been the biscuits, I should have stuck to the tea...Who was it on the phone during the chorus? Sounded like they were callin' from New Jersey...
DEBBIE: (sneeze) Excuse me...can we get out of the shower now, or at least turn off the water?
RON: Yeah, we can listen to the next one while we get out of these wet clothes...
(I'd half expected this! I put aside my mixed feelings and played along...I really needed the $25 Kramer promised me.)
DEBBIE: Can you help me with this zip...? It's stuck...
RON: This is great music for struggling with zips...I didn't recognise it at first, it's one of Dirk's, he was a moody sod..."Another Day," typical. Who's singin' it?
DEBBIE: DOGBOWL.
RON: There's no need to be rude. I'm doin' me best...they shouldn't put zips in polyester Kaftans...
DEBBIE: No...Dogbowl is a man. He made this track.
RON: All by himself? There, that's got it!...Now let's put all our wet clothes in a heap, sit on them, and watch the T.V. with the sound off...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(I hadn't expected this! We sat stark naked on our wet clothes in the middle of the room... Ron was working the remote...It was weird how soon the pictures seemed to fit the beat...Did this ego-maniac really know something?)
DEBBIE: Wow! Did you notice when Dogbowl said "number 9" you zapped to Channel 9 at that precise moment?
RON: Yeah, it's just the kind of thing that does happen when two naked people are sitting on their wet clothes in the middle of the floor and a station break comes up...say, you have a terrific body...
DEBBIE: Why, thank you! Oh no, keep the T.V. on, here comes "Piggy In The Middle."
RON: Who is it this time?
DEBBIE: DAS DAMEN.
RON: I'd better make a cup of tea....
DEBBIE: Oh! You have a kettle?
RON: Never travel without one. I'll get the bags.
DEBBIE: I'm not accustomed to taking tea...
RON: Trust me, if this is anything like the soddin' original, we're gonna need it! ....
(The tea was incredibly strong...I lost all sense of time and place...I felt "at one" with myself...)
DEBBIE: Wow...!
RON: This is good..."I Must Be In Love"...
DEBBIE: No...I think it's the tea...
RON: I'm talking about the song, Dummy! Stop playing with that speculum and tell me who they are!
DEBBIE: Oh! I'm sorry. It's SYD STRAW & MARC RIBOT...
RON: Well, they're far too good to be on this album. It's not anybody who can sing about everything and nothing the way they do...What's this crap!?
DEBBIE: Oh, let's see...it's JOEY ARIAS doing "Nevertheless."
RON: He's out of his tree!
DEBBIE: He's an artist...making a statement...
RON: It'll be used against him if he's not careful! I've met guys like him. The lights are on but there's no one at home.
DEBBIE: Calm down, your veins are swelling all over the place...Here, let me rub them for you...come on, get down from that bureau and lie on the bed...there now, is that better?
RON: Uh....it helps...it helps a lot.
DEBBIE: WHEN PEOPLE WERE SHORTER & LIVED NEAR THE WATER...
RON: Poetry? At a time like this?
DEBBIE: No...they're next..."Let's Be Natural."
RON: Oh, bloody Hell! This is fast...I can see why they wanted to know if they were rollin'...this is the kind of music that does for your ears what throwing up does for your throat.
DEBBIE: You don't like it?
RON: Cover my head with something.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
DEBBIE: Oh yes! YES! mmmmmm....Oh! Ah!....oh...ah!....oooooohmmmmmmmmm....GOD! Are you O.K.?
RON: Phew...yeah...now I can breath...you're quite a girl, you know...very imaginative...
DEBBIE: You're not so dull yourself, Ron...Oh, what's this?
RON: It's "Between Us"...even I know that, hullo, they seem to have forgotten the words, either that or they couldn't be bothered to do an instrumental solo. What do they call themselves?
DEBBIE: UNREST.
RON: Well, they sound quite peaceful to me, even sweet. How many more tracks are there?
DEBBIE: We're about half-way...
RON: WHAT!? Is that all? This has put years on me already.
DEBBIE: Don't sulk, tell me about "Ouch!." Was it a "cri de coeur" about a "chagrin d'amour?"
RON: Yeah...whatever you say...is that next?
DEBBIE: Yep, by PETER STAMPFEL & THE BOTTLECAPS.
RON: I thought this was called "Ouch!." Is this Stampfel bloke a method actor with bare feet leapin' about on real bottle-caps? Where did all the "Eeech! Yow! Cripes!" etc, come from? Silly old fool...
DEBBIE: You look tired, do you want to rest?
RON: No! A Nasty never gives up...go get the ice bucket and tell me what's next...
DEBBIE: My God, such stamina! O.K...it's the TINKLERS...They're also visual artists.
RON: Then it's just as well they can't see us...God, they don't half go on and on...the ice cubes in our navels are gonna melt before they finish...and I've got a blister on me brain! Who's next?
DEBBIE: Where's the list?
RON: Here...it's TULI KUPFERBERG, "Livin' in Hope." Where did he get that silly intro from? He sounds old enough to remember when "gay" just meant happy and "fug" was just a smoke filled room...he must be a nice guy, though. The notion that "Hope" is a Condo' somewhere is inspired...
DEBBIE: Shall I make some more tea?
RON: Is the Pope a Catholic?...Who's this? DANIEL JOHNSTON? What a sense of rhythm! Hurry up with that tea...what's he singin'? It can't be "Baby Let Me Be," can it? The organ is very...I dunno...MOVING...like a Van Gogh sky. The tambourine has a mind of its own...I hope he feels better soon...
DEBBIE: That's nice...who is this?
RON: UNCLE WIGGLY..."It's Looking Good"...
DEBBIE: Here's your tea...don't spill it.
RON: Mmmm...great. This is almost musical...a bit slow maybe. They don't sound very excited about whatever it is that's "lookin' good."...they might as well be singin' "I've got a dog," or "I've found 5 bucks"...
DEBBIE: Gimme that list..."Goose Step Mama"...
RON: It should be "Goose Steppin' Mama"...
DEBBIE:...it's by SHONEN KNIFE.
RON: Who are they?
DEBBIE: Three Japanese females...from Osaka...
RON: Gleat Baws of File! Are they Geishas?
DEBBIE: I don't think so...
RON: Hang on...the only bit they've sung properly is "sold you." It was meant to be to be "sold yer." Tinker, Tailor, SOLDIER, Sailor, get it? Oh, never mind, they're not good...but they've got guts...hullo, someone's tryin' to get through on the short-wave radio...who is it?
DEBBIE: JELLYFISH KISS
RON: What on earth are they chanting?
DEBBIE: It says here..."Get Up And Go."
RON: How very appropriate!
DEBBIE: Ugh! Did you just fart?
RON: Yeah...sorry...sometimes noise affects me that way...I get really bad attacks...
DEBBIE; Can't you control them?
RON: No...once they start, they just keep building up...bigger and bigger...
DEBBIE: Just...try, O.K.? This is KING MISSILE with "Doubleback Alley." I think it's my favorite...YUK! You really do have a problem, Ron. Was that you or the guitar?
RON: A bit of both, I think...
DEBBIE: You ruined that track...I thought it was good!
RON: So did I...but I told you, I can't help it...
DEBBIE: Well...try sitting on the ice bucket...get a grip...there's only two more...this is PALEFACE..."With a Girl Like You."...(snigger)
RON: What are you laughin' at?
DEBBIE: You! (giggle) You look ridiculous on that ice bucket....
RON: Don't blame me...it was your idea! Anyway, it's not working. The noise is even louder...
DEBBIE: (titter) NO! (gasp) Stop that! Don't you dare...oh no! (shriek) I can t stand it!
RON: What...the noise?
DEBBIE: No...(gasp,moan) The MIMING!
RON: I wasn't miming! I was singing along. Control yourself woman!
DEBBIE: Oh...aahhh...my sides...
RON: Never mind your sides. You're shakin' so much your breasts look like they're tryin' to escape from Elm Street Freddy...you'll do yourself an injury!
DEBBIE: Oh God...I'm sorry...last one...it's BONGWATER...and..."Love Life"...
RON: I'll never make it...
DEBBIE: No! Don't get up! You can't let the contents of that ice bucket loose over New York city...the mayor's got enough problems...
RON: Don't worry...I have a plan...lend me your speculum...
DEBBIE: What for?
RON: You'll see...
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"Fly me to the moon,
and let me play among the stars,
let know what spring is like
on Jupiter and Mars,
in other words, Hold My Hand..."
"Hold My Hand?," I thought..."is nothing original?"
Somewhere over the cold gray Atlantic we made warm, wonderful, weightless love...witnessed only by lone yachtspersons and the kind of super-tanker captains no one ever believes. As the dawn crept up over Eastern Europe and we drifted down towards Liverpool, I asked Ron if he could sum up his reactions to RUTLES HIGHWAY REVISITED...He kissed me on my Brains and said they ought to have called it "Teenage Mutant Ninja Rutles."...that way they could have made enough money to buy a politician and never have to work again...
"Screw Literature," I thought," Long Live Rock 'n Roll!"
P.S. If anyone out there finds my speculum, look after it...it my be worth a lot of money someday...
Copyright Shimmy Disc